Creating a Beautiful Life - a new Life List Goal

I follow a number of bloggers online - some have a kajillion followers, others have smaller more private followings - the thread that connects them for me is that they all have created their own lives. I may not want all aspects of their lives, or to have/do anything that they might have or do, but the fact that they have created their own paths is what I find inspiring. I look to them for ideas and inspiration and encouragement or even HOPE - hope that if I keep working at this life, working at being a better person (especially when its hard), at digging deep into the heart of things, that I will be creating the life that I want, one that nurtures and sustains me.


This past year has been a whirlwind for me, full of highs and lows, and some amazing happenings. Some things have been bittersweet, such as my trip to Hawaii, and some have been a source of joy, such as buying my own home. Adopting Ingrid the baby hippo rottweiler was an unexpected source of incredible joy and happiness - she brought such love and fun into my life! I knew with adopting an older dog I wouldn't have her for a normal lifespan, but had been hoping to give her a few good happy years. The time was shorter than I would've liked, but it was always happy, and I spoiled her like crazy because she deserved it. The recent loss of her was a huge blow emotionally.


Even more of a blow was the loss of little Ariel kitty after 16 years together. I had taken for granted how healthy she has always been, so when she suddenly started declining it was a shock. And once the decline started it progressed rapidly. Those 16 years of memories are hitting me hard, its the ending of one of my last longest connections with a soul that has traveled with me through so much.


All this to say, I have been in turmoil and struggling. Throw in a breakup with the younger guy I'd been dating smack in the middle of the two goodbyes and you have a recipe for some dark nights. Oh yes, and a cryptic text on Thanksgiving from the ex-bf about our first Thanksgiving together didn't help either. That's the personal turmoil.


Then there's the work stuff. My job is a stressful and demanding one, which normally is very fulfilling. The problem this past year has been we have been running on lower resources than normal and everyone is feeling it, everyone is overworked, tired and on the verge of burnout if not already there. It has gotten to a point where it is very hard to witness the sadness and wrecked lives that are part and parcel in my field. Too much sorrow, everywhere.


All of that said, I still consider myself to be an unbelievably lucky person. So many of my goals and dreams in life have been met and achieved and come true. Cheyenne was and always will be one of the most amazing things in my life - my childhood dream of living with a wolf come to life in a way that was even better than what I had imagined. So very very lucky and blessed with my time with her. One of my other deepest dreams, an old one from around the same time I started dreaming of wolves, has been the dream of a family. Its the one dream that always seems to be just beyond my grasp or it seems to slip through my fingers every time I think, "this time."


And so here I am, with the universe, or god, or whatever you want to call it, throwing me this challenge. My most recent incarnation of a family, my little family of 3, (Ariel, Ingrid, & me) is no longer. Close relationship ties have been untied, or at least slightly severed. I am spectacularly alone, in my home that was so very recently acquired in order to create a warm loving space for family. My family. It is so very very hard for me to be still, be quiet, wait and listen. Emotionally reactive is my default setting, although for work I can control it, for personal relationships it is more of a war with myself, one that I often lose.


Life is supposed to break your heart, and I embrace all of the hurt that comes from being a passionate person who jumps in with both feet. The challenge for me now is how do I navigate this emotionally charged time, while I am so incredibly fragile, and not get defensive, and not become far too reactive and overreact to things that I should not? How do I center and ground myself when so much of my foundation feels as though it has slid out from beneath my feet like a California landslide?


My life has always been beautiful and full of adventures, both good and bad. And even though I do not know what is coming up next for me, I need to find the strength and reserves and the HOPE to somehow come from deep within myself to sustain me and help me make the next phase a beautiful life as well. Right now I am not sure if I can do it. I really do feel as though I am hanging by a thread, that I have finally reached my limit. But dammit, I sure as hell am gonna TRY.